Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
