I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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