I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
