The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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