I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just had sex on a roof
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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