If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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