I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
