why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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