I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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