I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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