meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
