Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
