why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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