you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
