I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
