ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
