My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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