He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
