I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize