a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
