I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
