I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
