well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
