so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
