i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
