i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize