i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
