I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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