Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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