If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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