All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
