You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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