I cannot find my penis.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
