next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
