We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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