Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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