saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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