help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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