I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How did I end up in the pool?!
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fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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