On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
