i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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