Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
