I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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