im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
