I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Enjoy the penises
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
