I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
