She is in my trunk
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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