is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sorry about my life...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
