What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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