Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
