A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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