i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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