God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
