I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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