I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
