You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
