dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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