my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize